As you can imagine, I'm pretty solemn this week. I felt like I had to lay my year long dream to rest. It is probably hard for most people to understand, but all I can say is that for whatever reason, it was what I needed to do. I adored the country. I adored the people. I adored the city. I adored the language. It was absolutely everything I dreamed of. It was almost like paradise, but something inside of me knew it was not the right time for me to be there before I even left. I will try to listen to my insticts more closely from now on.
From the time I arrived, I felt physically and emotionally ill. I blamed jet leg at first, blamed fatigue. I couldn't eat. I had no desire to see or do anything. All I wanted to do was sleep. It continued for a few days and the emotional part would come and go, but as time went on, I felt more desperate and sad.
Everyone gets homesick when traveling. I do no pretend to be some special person that doesn't encounter this, but in truth, I have been fortunate for my age and have traveled much and barely experienced it. Everyone asks: but you went half a year in Germany with no problem, right? It wasn't really about being homesick. Homesickness can often be fixed with a good afternoon of tourism with friends or a fun party.
This was totally different. Feeling so awful in the place I wanted to be so bad made me long for home because I could not bear to feel so bad in the place I loved so much. Also, who doesn't need home when feeling so terrible? It was simply just bad timing.
I appreciate so much how hard the wonderful family I was staying with worked to cheer me up. Giovana and Marcel both did everything in their power from having me see a health specialist and cooking for me to taking me to see the beloved Capybaras. They were so so sweet to me and wanted more than anything for me to be happy. I could truly see how much they cared for me and still can with the nice emails I have receieved since coming home. We exchanged early Christmas gifts during tearful goodbyes and then had coffee and panetone before my flight out that night.
Even in my few days there, I was able to rack up on great stories to tell. I did not even realize it until I got to the airport where Jenni was waiting there for me with a big hug. The whole way home I switched between phrases of: "I can't believe this just happened." and funny stories from my trip. A few days is not as much as I hoped for, but it was still enough to make a lasting impression on my life. I didn't get to see the main tourist attractions of Brazil. I didn't get to stand in front of the Cristo or lay on the beaches of Salvador, but I did get what I wanted most. I got to see Brazil with my own eyes, got to live in a home, got to be totally immersed in the most beautiful language in the world, and I got to see another city in an entirely different part of the world and even better, I got to sit in a hammock overlooking beautiful scenery with my friend that I missed dearly this past year.
So yes, I'm totally sad to be home, and yes, I wish I had a straightforward explanation as to why I am, but that will come later I guess. Despite all this sadness, I am so glad to know that Brazil is indeed the country that has my heart. It grabbed my heart in March 09', and it will continue to hold it. Even though it was only for a few days, I saw enough to know that it is everything I loved. No one can say I am jaded or that I might be "disappointed." I at least know now that it is a great country full of great people and great places.
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